Dependence and Control

Nine years and a month ago today my Uncle Kirk died from cancer.

I was a freshman in High School. Every stable thing in my life was no longer stable. Everything I depended on was no longer dependable. Who I was as a person was changing and it seemed like there was nothing I could do about it.

The six months leading up to the death of my Uncle Kirk had cast me into the murky waters of the world. The morally murky waters that High School likes to serve in pretty crystal goblets disguising it as an appetizing and satisfying drink. I had managed to only hold that crystal goblet that first semester of High School. The temptation to drink it was not strong inside of me, then. But, as life goes things happen that can drastically alter who you are as a person. And the death of my Uncle Kirk was one of those tragic things that altered me.

I had always been a goody-two-shoes type of person. I always followed at the rules. I liked rules. I believed in rules. Rules helped me define who I was. I was a rule follower. I was successful in the rule-based system I was in. I believed in good. I believed in making good choices. But, as Uncle Kirk was dying of cancer that first semester of High School and my world, as I knew it was crumbling around me. My idea of good and safe was dying with him.

Making bad choices does not happen in one moment or one choice. The ability or willingness to make a bad choice builds up in you over time. You slowly justify what you know is bad over a period of time until you convince yourself that it is a good bad choice.

Ya know what my first bad choice was, as my world was falling apart? I purposefully and knowingly, completely aware of the consequences, allowed myself to fall in love with and let my boyfriend at the time have my heart. I knew it was stupid, but I did it out of a sense of rebellion to what was going in my life at the time. I alone had control of my heart, so I gave it away – in a metaphorical sense. Nothing changed physically or emotionally in our relationship, I just decided to depend on my boyfriend for my happiness. Note that – I decided to. Knowingly. Willingly.

The consequences were bad, really bad. Not one month after I had made the decision to depend on my boyfriend for all of my happiness, he broke up with me on AOL instant messenger. He had kissed another girl. I found out from a different girl who was there. It was High School.

I was devastated, heartbroken, and empty. Not because my love for the guy was super real or deep, but because I had given him control of my heart and was depending on him for all my happiness.

I did not turn to Jesus; instead I decided that I had to get control back. I went on a quest of looking good and being popular. I had no joy. I had no happiness. I had no control. Looking good and being popular then became what I depended on for everything. It was not fun, and I made a lot of not very good decisions.
But, I would still sit in my bed at night with my bible on my lap searching for Jesus. Every time I needed Him he would show up. He graciously started showing me that my dependence was in things, people, and ideas that were all empty and could not give me anything. He graciously started showing me that He alone could give me joy in the morning when I most struggled with life. Over a period of two years God wooed me back to Him.

The first semester of my junior year I was still living a luke warm life. I had one foot in the door of living life for Jesus and one foot still in the door of being popular, partying, and being utterly selfish. I got caught lying to my parents, and then that changed everything again.

My Dad looked at me and told me he was “disappointed” in the choices I was making. THAT was worse than anything I had been through up until that point. It was harsh, but it was true. THAT was when I started to take a serious look at my life, and I started making good decisions about it.

I knew that I had to change friend groups for my life to take the turn that it desperately needed. It took four months for me to do that. It was extremely lonely and I was accused of judging my friends for what they did. What they did not understand was that I was judging myself for what I was doing. In those four months Jesus radically showed up in my life and opened my eyes to see that I could just have Him and be happy and satisfied. I could be satisfied and talk to no one on the phone. I could be satisfied and stay at home. I could be truly joyful in the arms of my Savior as a seventeen year-old.

The spring of my junior year my Young Life leader asked me to be a freshman Young Life leader. I could not believe it because freshman young life leaders were really awesome people, which meant he thought I was a really awesome person. I knew that in order to be a freshman Young Life leader that I could no longer attend any more parties. I had to live a life above reproach. I knew that my old friends would not be happy about that, but I knew it was something that I absolutely had to do. I did it, and it changed my life and me forever. It was a little gift from Jesus to help me make the full jump to His side of the fence.

This little story is part of my journey to living a life vulnerably dependent on Jesus for everything. It was my first glimpse into the freedom of giving up my control over my life and depending on Him. Depending on Jesus for EVERYTING.