::Bombs in your heart::

So today I am going to attempt to type out some thoughts I have been having and see if I can shape them into something that makes sense and communicates meaning to you. Meaning that is not ostensible (that was for you Todd) but real and meaningful and raw! Please take note that "raw" is not always pretty. But, that is how I have been feeling lately, raw, my thoughts and ideas are not totally finished cooking yet. As I sit here, at my desk at work, thinking about everyone else out there the idea came to me that sometimes what inspires people to think about what God has or is calling them to do is to see how other people come to that realization themselves. And I sit here wishing that I could find a similar story of some woman out there coming to an epiphany moment herself of exactly what God has called her to do in this moment in time. Ya know I want to see how someone else has worked through what we call life and I want to know how she figured it out. I kind of want that woman to look a lot like how I want myself to be, or what I think God is shaping me to be. Yet, I have not found that woman out sharing her story with the world. Are you surprised? There are tons of women out there showing us how to live life for God and how to get over past struggles and what not. For example I absolutely love Beth Moore and Lisa Bevere because they are wildly fierce about Jesus, they are courageous in their calling, and they are not afraid to be beautiful and feminine!

So, I shall get to my point - I want to see a business woman who is wild about Jesus, prioritizes her husband and family, is successful and innovative in the workplace, and yet STILL MAINTAINS HER BEAUTY AND FEMININITY. Right? Anybody with me?

I know this woman is out there. She has to be, right? Yet, as I sit here and write this I have this slight feeling that maybe God is keeping me from meeting a woman like this because He is the one who wants to shape me into who He wants me to be. But, at the same time knowing that God wants to shape me and show me His way for me, I struggle though because I am so desperate to be that woman I want the reassurance of knowing that it can actually be done. It is as though I am asking God - Please show me today who and how you want me to be!! I want answers right now! I don't want to wait! Just fix me LORD!!!

All of this to get you down to how I got here. Still following me?

All my life I thought I will just be a Mommy when I grow up. It was all I ever wanted to do. There were no other options. Looking back I think this was because there was a huge part of me that naturally connected with the whole Mommy thing. I loved, and still do, cooking. Loving and taking care of people. Going to HEB. Loving on kiddos. My natural and first bent in my personality attracted me to just wanting to be a Mommy. My mom did not start working until I was a Junior / Senior in high school. Which was right about the time I realized that I had to choose and career in life and be passionate about it without very much guidance or direction. It is not that my parents did not want to prepare me, I think it was more that they were not to sure how. They always just had this quiet confidence about them, especially my Dad, that I would grow up and do exactly what God called me to do. There was never any hesitation about this, it just was simply a fact. I was going to grow up and do exactly what God had planned. Ya know so I took that confidence and went off to A&M - still a little unsure of my passions and direction in life. I am sure that many of you can relate to that.

So I hit the A&M campus a little wounded from high school, intellectually speaking. The enemy had taken several events during my high school years to make me believe that I was not smart enough. I still made good grades. I still got the big picture, I could apply the big picture to everything else. But, I walked onto that A&M campus completely deflated about my academic skill. As soon as classes started and I started to realize how everything worked I immediately wanted to be over at the business school. I was drawn to business. But, because I was convinced that I was not smart enough I never pursued that strong desire. But, as always because God is in complete control, He had a plan that made perfect sense. Over the course of time I became a communication major which perfectly fit how my brain operated (and still operates today). During my Junior and Senior years of college God showed me that I was a lot smarter than I believed I was, and He showed me how the enemy had lied to me to get me to believe that. That breakthrough wildly changed how my last 2 years went and how my passions and desires started to grow - when I started to get little "bombs in my heart".

So you ask, what is a bomb in your heart that sounds kind of dangerous.

To that I would answer. Why yes a bomb in your heart is incredibly dangerous. Why? Because a bomb in your heart is the Spirit inside you reacting to little realizations that you have when you see glimpses of what God has called you to. Sometimes to get to those little bombs you have to get through the lies that the enemy tries to tie you down with so that you never see the glimpses. So that you remain everything that God has called you not to be.

And I sit here today at my desk with little bombs going off in my heart, longing desperately to see how one takes one those imaginary bombs that God allows you to have and make it something that I live out every day.

I want to see an example of the woman that I want to be. But, it is very possible that God does not want me or you to be like anyone else. That idea might be scarier to me than to you. It is scary to me because I feel like I am out in the wild frontier pioneering for who God wants me to be. All the while I am surrounded by land that has never been developed, land that has never been touched before, holding a tool that I have never seen before. Standing there thinking, "Oh, God please show me how to do this".

I know God is there and He is guiding me. But it is scary to feel like you are on a path that not many other people walk.

Anyone else standing there with me?