Real or Fake?

My view from the front porch this morning. I am far from being a photographer but I just thought this was so beautiful! I just wanted to put this on the blog even though it does not have much to do with the topic today.

Morning Quietness

_____________________________________________________

Real or Fake?

The last month or so I have kind of been in a little bit of a funk. This funk could be described as being a little disengaged emotionally and content to not do any introspective thinking. While I had this funk "on" I kept wondering why I was like this and I never could exactly put my finger on it, but I decided that it would eventually pass and I would return to my normal self. Which happened this morning - I awoke and just felt new and better and more alive than I have been feeling lately, despite the cold that is trying to attack my body. My first instinct was to blog about making it through those times and coming out on the other side, and then thankfully I realized that is totally lame and very "Christian bubble" like. I do not want to "make it" through anything I want to take advantage of every trial and learn something. Instead of coming up with my own "fix it" lesson for myself I decided to put it before the Lord and listen to what He has to say about it. I have not heard anything yet, but I really want to understand from him what was going on with me before I self analyze. It could be that God wants to change something inside of me and I am kind of uncomfortable with that so I just kind of shut down!!! SHOCKER

I had one of those moments this morning where you discover your own hypocritical tendencies and you yourself are shocked by them yet at the same time are equally glad that God allowed you to discover it yourself so that someone else did not have to point it out for you! Thank you Jesus.

I am way into being vulnerable when things are going bad. Now, I am on my own journey figuring this out and still have tons and tons to learn. It is not an easy journey because then I have to actually apply what God shows me and actually BE vulnerable when things are not all pretty and tied up with ribbons. The reason I have not blogged much in the last month or so about my inner deep things is because I did not want to look myself. Ouch. Yet, at the same time I also did not want to be all fake religious about it either. I was kind of caught in the middle of being real and being fake.

What caught me off guard this morning was how quick I was to want to blog about having just gotten through a tough emotional time (for which I still have no real explanation, other than what I am realizing right now) before I even sat down and prayed about it and asked God about and actually LEARNED what He wanted me to know. How religious of me! Then I started to think about all the times I have received some revelation from the Lord about something and then proceeded to tell everyone I know before I even test it out and apply it to my own life. I don't know about you but realizing all that this morning really jump started my heart and made me really hungry to know Jesus more. On one hand it is disappointing to realize I still have a bunch of stuff to get through, yet on the other I still have a Jesus who is willing to take me through a rough and dry period so I can actually look at the plank in my own eye and move on and grow into being more like Him.

Over the last six to seven years God has really been showing me that the best kind of being "real" is when you least want to do it because that is when you are most weak and God can be most strong. I have yet to walk in this long before I come across some wall that I have put up to protect myself from something and prevents God from healing me or growing me in some area of my life. Usually that wall prevents me from being real and vulnerable in some area of my life, and then I have to go through this process with Jesus where He helps me deconstruct that wall so I can be free. But - that is what life is all about, learning how to live and be more like Jesus and not giving up when you come across a big wall!

What I have recently learned is that you do not have to take all the walls down before Jesus is willing to use you. I always subconsciously thought I had to be perfect before Jesus could "do" something in my life or "use" me in some way, but that is so untrue and definitely what a lot of my insecurities have been grounded on. SO - maybe THAT is what God is trying to tell me right now - just maybe that is the meaning of the journey God has been taking me on - that if I allow Him to Jesus can use me while He is taking down all my walls and I am being real when I really don't want to.

....all so very interesting :)