The Black Hole of Need

[ This is part of something I wrote just before Christmas.   It is part of a message I like to call Vulnerably Dependent.   I just felt like this needed to be posted, so if it speaks to your heart that is awesome :) ]

One of the fears that keep us from abandoning ourselves fully to God is the fear that the work will be unendurable and the toiling will be too much.   We fear that our lives will lack joy and excitement when just the opposite is true.   Much of the church today speaks of a mundane and an unexciting life while the world lures us into a lie that it will provide the real destiny adventures that we so long for.  It is a trap set by the enemy to keep us wrapped in the safety of the mundane while constantly searching for the adventure God destined us to have. The unending search creates a loop of dissatisfaction and frustration that propels us into what I call the black hole of need.  A black hole of need that can only be filled by God, but because of the lies of the enemy we try and fill it with everything but Him.   

1 John 15-17 The MSG

Don’t love the world’s ways.  Don’t love the world’s good.  Love of the world squeezes out love for the father.  Practically everything that goes on in the world – wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important – has nothing to do with the Father.  It just isolates you from him.   The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out – but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.   

The black hole is a very interesting phenomenon that if allowed tries to become part of our very nature.   The really scary thing about the black hole is that it is just as rampant among non-Christians as it is among Christians.  The black hole tries to tell us that its needs are part of our personality. It interweaves lies into our daily life telling us that when we are stressed we must eat something, buy something, or do something.  When we are sad it tells us how to act and what to immerse ourselves in.  When we are happy it dictates to us how we express happiness.  In the end the black hole of need develops in our lives idols that steal our attention away from God.  If we all truly think about it there are things in our life that we always turn to before we turn to God. There are things in our life that you may be secretly holding on to tighter than God.

It is very uncomfortable to think about. That we modern day Christians would have many idols in our life.  The worldliness in us justifies many of them by telling us that it is responsible, smart, or even normal to hold certain things in such high places in our life. That justification veils our eyes to the truth. 

At this very point you may start feeling like I am trying to condemn you and your behavior, and that really there is no chance of living correctly. These are the lies of the spirit of legalism that seek to destroy even further what God really desires to be in our life. You see the truth is that God desires to be first in every area of your life because He does not want you to live under the burden of making your life mean something.   He does not want you to carry the responsibility of what He has called you to.    Most importantly He wants to experience intimacy with you on levels far beyond what you can imagine, all the time.  God does not want you to be a slave to your cravings, desires, lusts, wants, and needs.   God wants to be your provider, protector, and deliverer.  God wants to give you the desires of your heart.

At the heart of Vulnerably Dependent is the truth that if we allow certain areas of our life to be held higher than Jesus is in our life, then we simply are not living in the blessing or protection of God.   Those areas are automatically open to the enemy to do as he pleases.   It is when we put our hope in these areas, things, people, and dreams where true heartbreak and devastation come in.   A life dependent on God is not void of certain troubles, but the difference is when your heart is all His then He always protects and provides for it.

What seems to be the biggest risk of all, abandoning our selves completely to God, is really what secures us in the safest and most blessed place of all.

In Colossians 1:5-6 in the Message Paul says: “The Message is as true among you today as when you first heard it.  It doesn’t diminish or weaken over time.  It’s the same all over the world.  The Message bears fruit and gets larger and stronger, just as it has in you.”  I love this verse because it says that since the first time we heard the Word of Christ it has been growing larger and stronger all the time.    It is no accident that we as humans always have a desire for more.  More adventure, more people, more meaning, more money, more food, more creativity, more wisdom.  The list could go on forever, but the point is you ARE created for MORE.  In Jesus, dependently, more is not an insatiable word. More is what you were created for.   

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Even if you have been a Christian for twelve years there are times when you have to abandon yourself to Jesus, again. If you are in a season in your life where your heart is always hurting and you feel un-satisfied.  Give Jesus your heart and He will fill it up for you.

Men Doing Dishes ....

[ Picture credit to the Karra Hill - and one of her little signs in her kitchen ]

Sunday morning Chris got up before me.    Chris gets up before me almost every single day.   It is because he loves me and knows that my type B personality loves knowing that when his alarm goes off I still get a few more minutes of sleep.   What I love more is that Chris comes to wake me up instead of my alarm clock.   One of the many benefits of being married to the sexiest man on earth, Chris Hill.

So, Sunday morning Chris got up before me and when I walked into the kitchen he was doing the dishes.   It was one of the most romantic things I had ever seen in my life.   Fireworks were going off, rose petals were falling from the sky, and I am pretty sure angels were singing.

I walked into the kitchen just as Chris was finishing drying the last dish and he handed me a cup of coffee and walked with me to the couch.    Where we snuggled and had quiet times before church - and Chris might have started the last book in the Hunger Games.

Later on that day as Chris and I were trying to organize and unpack the last few boxes from our move.  I got to thinking about why Chris doing the dishes was the most romantic things on earth...

I believe it is because Chris was serving me in a way that meant a lot to me.   I love to cook which means I produce a large number of dirty dishes on a regular basis.   Not only does Chris always love my food but he was showing that he is committed to encouraging me to cook - by doing the dishes.   It is not necessarily the doing of the dishes that is the most romantic thing  - it is the thought behind what caused him to do the dishes in the first place.    He thought about me, thought about my time, thought about what I like to do, thought about what I had been doing, and simply wanted to bless me.    Chris sacrificed what he wanted to do at 8:30 on a Sunday morning to serve me.   That is what is so romantic and what makes me feel really safe as his wife.

It is also produced an atmosphere of honor in our house.    It produced an atmosphere of honor in my heart.   As his wife I am called to honor him and I most certainly try to do so.   But there is something about how Chris served me Sunday morning that made me respect him even more than I already did.   Chris serving me in the privacy of our own home when no one else knows about it makes me feel really safe and secure as his wife.   But it also makes me feel safe and secure to serve and honor Chris in public because I know that he will never take advantage of me submitting to and sacrificing for him.   I know that when I prefer and defer to him in public that I am doing so as a cherished and loved woman, and not as a dependent and opinion-less woman.   

At my brother's engagement party the men were sitting in my Dad's office showing off their guns.   I mean real live guns and not the muscles are their arms.    I walked in and asked Chris if he needed me to bring him anything.   This was a little scary for me because I was going out of my way to serve my husband in front of a lot of other men, and in the south sometimes men take it for granted that the women serve.   But --- my husband is a hunk of a man and would never take me for granted or view me as the "southern servant" whose only purpose in life is to serve her man.   Which is why I WANT to serve him and honor him - which in turn makes him want to serve and love me!

It is awesome and produces an amazing amount of respect and fun in our marriage.   

Blue Gold

I have coffee.  I have 30 minutes til it's time to go to church.  I am listening to the Live Horses EP from Needtobreathe.  My wife is on the other end of the house getting ready for church.  My WIFE is on the other end of OUR house getting ready.  Will the fun of saying "my wife" and "our house" ever go away?  I doubt it.  (Perk of being a boy...I get ready in 10 minutes.)

I am a happy camper.

Want to know why else I'm a happy camper this morning?  Well let me tell you.

BLUE GOLD

So I must preface and explain my hysteria/excitement this morning.  My wife is obviously a very fashionable young woman.  She always has been.  Her effect on my fashion sense is unmistakable.  It has been unmistakable since we started being "friends" back in the day.  She freed me from the undershirt.  She introduced me to the v-neck T.

Since we started dating the woman has been trying to get me into designer blue jeans.  Every year, armed with Christmas or birthday money we would trek to some outlet in hopes that this would be the year.

Why do I sound so hopeless and dejected in channeling those old days?  BECAUSE THEY WERE FREAKING MISERABLE.

"Why were they miserable, Chris?" you might ask...Why let me tell you.

Let's be honest.  Most guys who wear designer blue jeans aren't built like your boy, Hill, here.  As my friend, Wes Whitney, says, "Hill has redwood tree trunks for thighs and the back-end of a bull moose."  Great for football and beating people up on the basketball court - one of my favorite pass-times - but not so great for trying to fit into that True Religion denim.

I am also 6'4" tall barefoot.  Add the normal inch to inch and a half boots that I wear, and you have another problem.  Seven only makes one length.  Guess they only claim to make "Jeans for all Mankind" or I'm not a part of "Mankind".  I'll let you decide.

Another issue.  Despite the rather "linemanesque" lower-half that I manage, I have a fairly skinny waist - 34 or 36 tops.  I REFUSE TO SAG.  If, admittedly as a luxury, I use my bday or xmas money for this kind of jeans, is it too much to ask that they really fit?  I didn't think so.

Hence, I had given up hope.  I was done trying these jeans on.  Ever.  Lucky makes jeans that fit me fine.  I was completely content to go with them from now on.

...and then the miraculous occurred...

Wes and Sheridan - best friends, partners in crime, etc - called and said that Wes had found these awesome Rock and Republic jeans at the Nordstrom Rack in Katy.  Wes shares my same frustrations with these "people" who make these sort of jeans, and Sheridan has also had a rather obvious effect on his fashion/desired to get her man into some good lookin jeans.  

Hope.

A gchat conversation later, Wes decided that I should come try the jeans on.  They might fit me better, and there were more out there that he thought might be better suited to him.  

OK.  Hopes not to high there, Mr. Hill.  Keep that excitement in check.

Yesterday, I tried them on.  It was as if someone took measurements of me and then made jeans.

I am Christopher Carl Hill.  I build fence, I know how to work cattle, I move large objects.  I now own Rock & Republic jeans.  Sometimes I find myself to be a strange blend of a person.  Now would be one of those times, and yet I am perfectly comfortable with it.

Mikala and Luke Engaged :)

My brother Luke proposed to his beautiful and wonderful girlfriend this past Saturday night.   She said yes and she is now his fiance.    Evan, Jeremy, Chris, and I get a new sister.   Our family is beyond excited and feels so blessed.

Congratulations to you two :)  --- you are loved and blessed.  We are proud of you and cannot wait for you two to get hitched July of this year!

The Continuing Quest of an Aspiring Super Woman Wifie Mama

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. 

 Ephesians 1:11-12 The MSG

Have you ever asked yourself the question who am I? Or, have you ever asked yourself what your purpose is in this life?  Have you ever struggled with the expectations that the culture around you puts on you?

Great!  - I have struggled with these questions myself over the past couple of years.   In fact I even have some blog posts to prove it to you:

No Mrs. Iron Pants

Bombs in your heart

God answers my questions to bombs in my hearts

I am no man

Super Woman Wifie Mama

Provision Instead of Pride

Believe me when I tell you that if I took a little bit more time to search through the archives of this blog I could find ten more posts about me searching for who I am supposed to be in life.   I fought my own inner struggle concerning my own femininity, purpose in life, skill set, my role as a wife, and my future role as a mother.

I had no peace and always had this un-answered question clanking around in my heart.   An un-answered question that shaped my perception of people, events, and what other people thought about me.

This past summer I was riding around in my car listening to Kevin Weaver, and God answered my question.   

God always wants to answer your questions.   It is usually a matter of you wanting to actually hear the answer.

God's answer came to me in several parts.   The first part was realizing that I was proud.   My pride manifested in my life out of my belief that God was not big enough to defend and provide for me, so I went around trying to defend and provide for myself.   Underneath my pride was fear.   Essentially I had things in my life that I wanted to protect at all costs.   Things and dreams and expectations that I was willing to sacrifice anything for.   This may be what some people in the bible might define as idols.   

I was afraid that if I truly surrendered to God that he would make me do things that I really did not want to do, or give up things that I really did not want to give up.

This realization that I was proud shattered this wall I had put up around myself to protect myself, and I realized for the second time in my life how good God really is.   God will defend me if I allow him to, and he most certainly will provide for me.   

I had one of those out of body experiences where I saw myself working so hard to hold on to these dreams, expectations, perceptions, and things in my life.   These dreams, expectations, perceptions, and things all had never been fully submitted to God.    I had always told him what my will was and never asked for his assuming that because I had these dreams that they were his too.  

I was like a starving child hunkered down over a piece of bread protecting it, while a kind a loving Father was trying to give me fields and fields of grain that would sustain me for a lifetime and more.  

Riding around in the car that day changed my life.   In a simple prayer and opening up my heart to hear God - He saved me from myself.

I have finally come to a moment in life where I have nothing and there is nothing that I would not be willing to give to God.    This is one of those postures that must be submitted to God moment by moment in life.

In the last six months I have learned so much more about who I am because I am willing to just know God, and in return God is showing me who I am.   As Paul suggests in the verses in Ephesians at the top of this blog: God has designed glorious living for us.  All we have to do is seek him.

Once you have surrendered your dreams, expectations, things, and perceptions to God he will usually give you back the ones that He wants for you.   Once God gives you something it is His responsibility to carry it out and your responsibility to know Him and obey Him.   I find this to be AWESOME because God must provide the way for His promises.

I recently just got the book Having and Doing It all by Christine Caine which basically says by seeking God he will show you what your all looks like.   When your all comes from God then He equips you do it and to have it.   

The most unique and truest YOU can be found in Jesus.   You just have to allow Jesus to show what is keeping you from going deep into Him

Such is the quest of an aspiring Super Woman Wifie Mama .....  along with my growing passion for making homemade pizza :)

ya know ... because that is part of who I am!

The Diamond H Ranch

On January 1st we packed up the puppy and headed to the panhandle to see Chris's family.   

This is the Diamond H Ranch mail box.   Todd, my father in law and marketing expert, would never leave his mail box un branded.   No mail box is complete with out its own customized camo over lay!

No ranch would be complete without its own baby wild boar either.   Meet Spot - who was being babysat by Grandpa Toddy.   Apparently Grandpa Todd would like some grandchildren!

My mother in law, Karra, has two stoves in her kitchen so she can adequately feed all the hungry cowboys.   Her kitchen would not be complete without her own Diamond H brand in her back splash.   Karra understands my love for kitchens and feeding people, so she lets me take over the kitchen whenever I come to visit.   Her kitchen is a picture of perfect organization and I LOVE cooking in it.   

Here is the view from the back door of the ranch house looking out over the north pastures.

Here is the back view of the ranch house.  Todd and Karra added on about 2000 square feet to the old existing ranch house.  The windows at the top are of the bunkhouse which sleeps about 15 people, or 15 future grandbabies.   

This is the side of the front of the ranch house.   Not the best picture but you get the idea.

The mantra of every ranch wife.

We celebrated Todd and Karra's 30th wedding anniversary by making them Boeuf Bourginion from Julie Child's cookbook.    It took all day but it was worth it.

Prepping for the Boeuf

 We made asparagus, roasted pearl onions, sauteed mushrooms, and mashed potatoes to go with the Boeuf.

This is Chris helping prepare the Boeuf.

We also got to help a first time mama cow give birth to her 125 pound son.  It was an amazing experience and not nearly as gross as I thought it might be.

We had a wonderful time with Chris's family.   Going to the Diamond H is like going on vacation.   Cell phones do not work and there is always a perfect sunset.   

This is was Giada's second visit to the ranch.   She learned how to jump cattle guards, almost got killed by donkeys, almost got eaten by hungry mama cows, and learned how to go under fence.   She also got to go to the lake and de-stuffed a stuffed animal.   I would say she also had a great vacation.

Thank you for enduring my iphone pictures