I just want to be comfortable ... but I also want to grow.

This is part of an email I wrote to one of my besties Kelley Ellis .

I simply wanted to share it with you because you are my bloggie readers, and I must redeem myself from my Bieber Fever declaration.    Actually I want to share it with you because hopefully you can watch me grow.  I know that Jesus always answers these kinds of prayers, and I so I want to give him the opportunity to get the glory.

***************

Last night Sheridan and I had the first Campaigners with our freshman girls.  It has been over 3 years since I have lead or attended a bible study or a physical accountability group where we discussed the word.   Although we only had a few girls and our conversation was skin deep at best, my heart strings were tugged and God started speaking.

I realized this morning that since I graduated college I have wanted to live life comfortably.  What I mean by that is that I have not wanted to stretch myself too much, and I most certainly did not want God to stretch me too much.  While I have gone through a ton of growing experiences over the past 3 years and am now a better person.  I have held God at arms reach in certain areas of my life.  Areas that over the last year He has slowly been revealing to me.   Buying this house was an area that grew and stretched beyond what I thought I could handle, and yet here we are completely provided for.  I realized last fall that I was not allowing God to grow me into what he was and is calling me to do regarding a job / making a living.   When I graduated college I basically had a huge list of things that I told God I would NEVER do.  I essentially completely opposed Him from doing what He wanted to do in my life.  This particular realization has come into view over that past six to eight months.  Starting Kitchen Sisters is definitely a result of me allowing God to move me, and yet I still fear that I have not completely given up control in this area. Honestly, me not submitting completely to Jesus scares me way more than submitting to Him.  Yet, I still struggle to submit and give up control completely.

This morning came a whole new scenario where God showed me that I have been holding him back from doing what He wants to in life.   I realized that I have held back the areas of being planted in our church, attending a bible study, or even being mentored by a wiser woman.  Simply because I wanted to be comfortable.  I realize that not having too many commitments early on in marriage is a good thing, but I believe I went from focusing on building my marriage to protecting myself from uncomfortable situations.  My heart was flooded with emotion this morning by the desire to be surrounded by Godly women who want to speak the word into my life.  My desire to be part of a bible study suddenly appeared at the forefront of my thoughts.  Not my desire to lead a bible study but simply the desire to be a part of one.  The desire to be poured into.  A hunger for Jesus that I have not had in a long time because I so wanted to be comfortable.

I am writing all these things to you because I want your prayer.   I want and need fellowship in Jesus.  I want to learn and grow and I want to be ok with being uncomfortable.  

*************

I leave you with this

Sometimes G likes to wear hangers as necklaces