After going 9 months of forgoing my morning coffee for the benefit of my growing child the lure of being 2 weeks away from being allowed to pour myself a huge cup in the morning has caused me to start dreaming of going to Starbucks. Last night I kept dreaming about trying to get to Starbucks to get coffee but I could never quite make it there. Even I consider this to be a little weird :). My staunch resolve to not have caffeine is has started to fade as the end of my abstinence is waning.
I will now merge my lack of coffee and seemingly lack of good quite times while pregnant - together.
Giving up my morning coffee totally rocked my morning routine of talking to Jesus before my day got started. While this sounds superficial and it probably is, it happened. You would think that making myself some decaf earl gray with a huge squeeze of lemon would have been able to bridge the gap of steaming hot liquid and spending time with Jesus in the early morn'. Unfortunately it did not. I totally blame my husband for this who spent a considerable amount of time and effort to get me to like his super bold Starbucks coffee by relating it to spending time with him and Jesus.
Anyways, on the deeper side of the issue is God has called me to write. I hate admitting this on the blog as I have done several times, but it is actually more of an accountability attempt than really wanting all of you to know. God has called me to write. To use writing as a vessel to pour out what He pours into me. I have finally accepted that writing can be in any form and for whatever purpose God has for it. The only condition is that I must simply write and obey. The spiritual battle, the hormones, the kidney stones, and the lack of coffee during my pregnancy has caused me to be stagnant with this whole writing thing. If I were to be really honest I could just say my flesh prevailed and my spirit did not.
Thankfully I have a God who knows me well and loves me well. He desperately wants me to live out what He has called me to do and pursues me into it. Since I have not been writing God has not been talking to me very much. You might not think that sounds like "pursuing" but it is because God knows that when it comes down to it I really do desire him above everything else. Even though I am in this spiritual drought, which is really of my own disobedient choosing, I really do desire to intimate and know Jesus more. Jesus, who totally knows this, has been holding out on me because He longs for me to walk in obedience to what He has called me to to. He is using himself as a lure. Which come to think of it - my husband does this too. :)
As I am approaching child birth and the opportunity to meet this little one God has given me and Chris - I am DESPERATE for God to talk to me. I am DESPERATE to walk in obedience in every single area of my life so that I can be close to Him. After my coffee dreams of last night I woke up thinking I am just going to write words on the page just so I can talk to Jesus. Like my resolve to not have caffeine has started to fade so has my resolve to give in to my lazy flesh and not write.
So I am writing to you about not writing and trying to choose to write. It is all very complicated and somewhat silly but it is what is going on. That, and my baby is still kicking my puppy in the face. Which makes me think about my puppy and baby meeting for the first time. I hope Giada transitions well into being #2 instead of #1.
As I ramble on rather un-logically - I have to let you know that I the fact that I am about to have a baby and that our life will be changed forever has started to sink in. I have also started to accept that I have give birth to this little one in order to meet him. It is SO totally crazy and in order to not become totally crazy I have decided to just trust Jesus with it all because if I really think about it to long it scares me!!!!!
I will leave you with that thought :) hopefully I will talk to you soon!
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