Doing everything that I am supposed to...

Having a baby is life changing.  In the best and hardest of ways.  Once you get over the whole labor and birth situation you have a sweet little one that you have to get to know.  It is a strange thing getting to know a little one that is part of you.  A little one that grew inside of you and you worked so hard to keep him there and then doubly hard to get him out.

It is true.  My little one came out and I did instantly love him but once I got to the room with all the family surrounding me I thought, " I have to get to know this little guy." This whole I am instantly in love and tears and all that did not come to me.   It was more of like an introduction to someone that you just know that you will love but you have to get to know.

Everyday I get to know out little guy more and I absolutely LOVE it.  He has such an amazing personality.  The crazy part is that he is gets to know me more too.  He learns so fast.  It is fascinating how you learn to non-verbally and verbally communicate with your child.  It is also not quite as fascinating as he learns how to VERBALLY communicate with you.  And I am married to Chris Hill, who could have preached the beatitudes and not have needed a microphone, and Barrett is definitely his son.

I am staying home with Barrett and have chosen not to go back to work.  It is a decision that Chris and I prayed about and feel confident in, and a decision that we have to sacrifice for.

When Barrett was six weeks old I had a complete identity crisis over a career, and working, and staying at home.  I went to Jesus one night while laying in bed while Chris was on a work call.  Desperately tired having only slept 2-3 hours stretches for six weeks, I took all my insecurities about working to Jesus.  Almost without missing a beat Jesus spoke quietly to my heart, "You are doing everything you are supposed to be doing."   With a Jesus only type of revelation I realized that He has given me the grace for this period of my life raising our children.  But, staying at home does not define me, Jesus does.  Jesus has seasons of life planned for us.  Seasons that will be different from the one we are in now... meaning I will not be defined by staying at home and raising kids forever.

Ya know what?  That gave me magnificent FREEDOM to absolutely LOVE staying at home and enjoy every cute and every ridiculous hard minute of raising our son.  It took the pressure off to perform in ways that are not appropriate for this season.  That freedom from expectation allowed me to be present with our son, and for that I am so glad.

I will be honest...I had to remind myself of what Jesus told me about this season of life this week.  I let myself compare myself to others.  But I am not others.  I am a daughter of the most High King and it is He who defines me.

So, yes I absolutely LOVE what I do.  I love raising our son.  I love taking moments that could be spent finishing the laundry to play with him, or teach him boundaries, or sing a special song to him to the tune of Justin Bieber boyfreind.  It feels dang good to say that I LOVE being a Mom.  In fact, if I were to get really down and dirty, I would tell you that it is something that I have wanted to be for a very very long time.

Now go with me here. 

To the tune of boyfriend by Justin Bieber:

If I was your biscuit you'd never let me go

Keep me on your arm Mom
You'll never be alone

Biscuit, biscuit I could be your biscuit

I'm so white and flaky you ne'er let me go

Another: To the tune of an imaginary rap song

I'm a biscuit. I ain't no triscuit. 

I'm white and flaky, maybe even a little cakey

So what's it to ya 

Anoter: To the tune of an imaginary rap song

I'm awesome. I'm awesome

Er'body loves me

Barrett ::: The Birth Story

Barrett will be five months old in just a few days.  

This the Bear a few hours after being born.  His Daddy helped the nurses snuggle him up and dress him in his first Fighting Texas Aggie outfit. 

He weighed a whopping 8lbs 13 oz and was 22 1/2 inches long.  

I am sure most of you thought I would never blog again.  Especially since it has been nearly half a year since my last post, but I am back to follow up on my last post :) and let you know that I in fact did go into labor the day before they were going to induce me.  

I went into labor Sunday morning February 26th at 3:00AM.  After taking every homeopathic thing I could to go into labor, walking 30+ miles in 14 days, and praying my little heart out I finally started having real contractions.  It is funny thing because I was always scared I was not going to be sure when labor started but man was I SURE!

The night before I went to labor I had pretty much decided to be ok with whatever happened, so we stayed up late watching a movie and eating Mexican food.    Which means we went to bed at 12:00AM and I went into labor at 3:00AM.  I laid in bed for the first hour of contractions texting my midwife who desperately wanted me to try to go back to sleep.  Man, did I try.  I was excited and my contractions went from 16 minutes to 10 minutes to 5 minutes apart in about an hour.   At 4:00 in the morning I got Chris up out of bed and told him the time had come and I needed a protein shake!  I walked around the house for a little bit and then decided to get in the shower.   It was in the shower when my contractions started to get intense and close together.  At this point it was about 5:30 and I told Chris to call Cathy the midwife and tell her that were going to go ahead and get ready to come to the birth center.  

I naturally blew my hair dry and put on a full face of make up because that is normal when you are about to go get in a birthing pool and get wet all over again.  We called our parents, texted who we needed to text, kissed the puppy good bye and told her that we would come back with a baby.  I think we got into my car and made the 20 minute drive to Katy having some pretty awesome contractions all the way there. 

My parents met us at the birth center at 7 in the morning and we got the party started.

I started having consistent and intense contractions and I progressed like a champ for the first few hours.  My mom had a made a breakfast casserole which I enjoyed between contractions.  Things started to get more serious so I "jumped" into the birthing pool.

Chris was a huge support during labor.  He was always calm and reassuring and he was always there.  I progressed well until about 12:00PM and I was thinking I am going to have this baby by 3:00 in the afternoon and we will all get to go home and all would be well.  I was so, so wrong about that.  I would not have that baby until 3:00PM the NEXT day.

From about 2 in the afternoon on the 26th until about 2 in the morning on the 27th I was dilated at about a 7 and barely moved from that.  I had level 7 contractions for 12 hours with no progress.  We did everything we possibly could to get me to progress.  The midwives determined that Barrett's chin was turned up instead of tucked down on his chest causing him to get caught on my pelvic bone.  I proceeded to have to lunge, rock, and sway during really intense contractions in order to get my baby to move so he could slide down my birth canal.   Nothing worked.

Thank God for the birthing pool.  When you do not have drugs to help with the pain the hot water does amazing things for you.  It allows you to feel weightless and lay on your tummy, both of which seriously help you in labor.  

Chris's Mom drove from Childress, Texas that Sunday and made it with plenty of time to the birth center.  She was a tremendous help in labor and gave Chris a much needed break.  She must have rubbed my back for two hours.

At 2:00 in the morning we made a group decision that it was time to go to the hospital and get an epidural to see if that would help relax my muscles enough for the baby to get in a better position so he could slip right on out.  At this point my fear of going to the hospital had subsided.  I knew that I had done absolutely everything in my power to have my baby as naturally as possible and I was at complete peace with getting transported.  Chris helped me get into the back seat of my Dad's suburban and my Dad drove us to the hospital with our midwife leading the way.  Did you know that midwives have the same clearance as an ambulance to speed in order to get to the hospital? Yeah, so we sped going about 80 miles per hour to West Houston Hospital.  I had 5 contractions in the back of that suburban.  I will remember each one for a long time.   I was praying hard in that back seat, praying that I could get that epidural fast.

We got to the hospital and they wheeled me up to labor and delivery to one of the rooms I had stayed in when I had kidney stones.  My nurse's name was Mercy.  Within 30 minutes of arriving at the hospital, just when I thought I could not take it anymore, I leaned over on Mercy and got an epidural.  With that I looked at my parents and Chris's Mom and told them to go home to our house and sleep.  Chris and my Midwife Cathy stayed with me and we all slept for about 2-3 hours.  I was in desperate need of sleep having been up for 24 hours in full on labor.   I was so thankful for that epidural.  About 5 in the morning Mercy came in an administered pitocin to help me along since the epidural had not really sped anything up.   I barely remember this because I think I was still asleep.   Usually when birth center girls get transported and get an epidural they have their babies fast because it allows their bodies to relax. Unfortunately that did not happen for me.

At 7 in the morning the door to our room busted open with screaming nurses who started pulling cords out of me.  Barrett's heart rate a dropped because they had given me too much pitocin too fast.   As soon as they reduced it our Bear was fine again.  That was one things that I had prayed for my whole pregnancy that my baby's heart rate would be strong during the whole labor, and it was except for the pitocin scare.   That was how I met my new nurse Tracy who would help me deliver Barrett without getting a C-Section, which was the miracle of the entire event.  Tracy rolled me over 3/4 the way onto my belly and that was finally made Barrett progress.

Cathy stayed with me and Chris the whole time leading us through a hospital birth with great peace.  At 10:30 in the morning Tracy checked me and I had dilated to a 9.  For the first time during the entire labor process I cried.  I cried because I was so happy that I had progressed and might actually have this baby without a C-Section.

At 11:30 Tracy came in and told us that if I did not progress all the way by 1:30 when the Doctor was coming to check me that they were going to have to schedule me for a c-section.   In order for me to push more effectively and so they could move me around a little to help Barrett get in a better position they took my epidural out.  Before it totally wore off I got my make-up out and applied a full face of war paint for the pushing process.   My hair was matted in a knot of a mess on my head and I was swollen from all the fluids they had me on at the hospital.  I was determined to at least try and look somewhat like a human being.

Thirty minutes after they pulled the epidural out they got me on my hands and knees and rocked me to try and get Barrett's head dislodged from my pelvic bone.  They lifted the back of the bed up and leaned me up against it.  They rolled me over on my tummy.  It was an entire gymnastic session 42 weeks pregnant and in labor with the epidural slowly losing its effect.

Some time after that it was time to start pushing.  Pushing is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  The first hour of pushing was AWFUL.  I was pretty sure I was going to die, but I kept telling everyone that I was going to do it.  It was like in the movies with my nurse yelling at me and counting and me breathing and sweating.  About an hour into it I got hot and irritated and just ripped my gown off and threw it across the room.  Not too long after that my Doctor came in.  He looked at me and was like lift your arms up and push.  Doing that changed everything and I went from non-productive pushing to productive pushing.  Every 10 minutes I would look at my midwife and ask if I could do it and she always said yes.  I would then look at the doctor and the nurses and tell them that I was going to do it all the while thinking that I was completely unsure about the entire situation.  I refused to utter a negative word.  I refused to say out loud that I did not think I could do it.  

I had complete peace. I never panicked.  I was determined.  I could feel the prayer surrounding me.  I could feel my family in the waiting room fighting for me.  

An hour and half after the doctor got there he looked me and said, "You could push for another hour and half or we could use forceps and get the baby out now".  My midwife looked and me and said let's do it.   Unfortunately we had to use the vacuum first, for liability purposes, which was definitely the WORST part of the ENTIRE birthing process.  With great finess my Dr. Toress inserted the forceps and my baby came out in one big push. He had a huge booboo on his head from getting stuck on my pelvic bone but he was happy, healthy, and hungry.  I could not have been more grateful! 

I have never felt so relieved and full of emotion in my life.  I heard Barrett cry and then I caught sight of Chris.  I will never forget that moment.   Chris got me through the 36 hours of labor and he worked just as hard as I did.  I am so thankful to be married to him.  He never wavered, complained, or panicked.       As soon as Barrett was born Chris was involved in every process of taking care of him.  Barrett continually had his Daddy by his side.  

You would think the drama would have subsided post birth.  But I then had to be sewn up for an entire hour after having a 36 hour labor.  Thankfully my OBGYN was a plastic surgeon specialist baby doctor.  That is all I will say about that :)

Barrett, Chris, and I were greeted by family and friends and my brother's homemade enchiladas.  

Chris's Dad came later that night. He drove all day in order to get there.  Thankfully he was fairly well rested and was able to take care of Chris and I in the hospital since everyone else had been up for basically two days.  

Here Barrett is catching some sun rays with his Grandpa while simultaneously stealing some his body warmth.

Two weeks late.  Thirty Six hours of labor.  Delivered by forceps.  Barrett had the EXACT same birth as his Daddy did and was born the day before Chris's 27th birthday.

A few days later when I was finally able to be alone I asked Jesus what that was all about.  I felt His peace come over me and He said that He never left me during the entire experience, but we just all had to fight for Barrett to be born.  Our miracle is that we did not have to have a C-Section and we were all healthy.  

Where I am

God is prompting me to write a post when I am super vulnerable and nothing is wrapped up in a pretty bow.  I have decided that I am ok with this because I trust him and my circumstances have me on my knees face down before Jesus.

I am 10 days past the proposed due date for our son who currently resides in my tummy.

Let me just tell you the last 10 days have been HARD!!! 

Two days before my due date Chris came down with a nasty virus that turned sinus infection and lasted a good solid 7-8 days.   He missed three days of work and was flat on his back sick.  Which, truthfully, he does about once a year.  He just gets is all out.  According to our nutritionist is actually a pretty healthy thing to do because it resets your system and helps protect against disease.   

Normally this would not be an issue.  But, Chris got sick when our baby was due to make his appearance in the world.  Chris and our little / big man child already have this connection -- even in the womb.  So, Mr. baby H decided to hold out until his Daddy got better.  In reality this was probably a wonderful blessing because Chris was so sick and a) I did not want / do not want to go through labor with a sick husband, b) we want to bring home Mr. Baby H to a healthy house.   

Let's just say that between my due date passing and then getting further and further behind me WHILE I was caring for my wonderful husband totally and completely SUCKED.   All the sudden my plans were not working out and my usually wonderfully supportive husband was just out of commission.  It was like everything that I usually depended had been stripped of me and I was left with a selfish, disappointed, and wildly pregnant heart.   I was SO mad that Chris was sick.  I knew he could not help it and it was not his fault.  But I could not help just being upset and angry. 

Chris and I had to work this out.  I had to talk it through with him and surrender my emotions daily concerning the whole thing.  Chris started to get better but my days have just continued to get harder.  The enemy is totally taking advantage of how emotionally vulnerable I am right now and every day I must resist him.  Everyday I am faced with going into depression.  It takes me about an hour and half but thankfully God and Chris help me pull through back into joy, trust, and peace.  

Fear tries to over take me over the fact that our little one is still in my tummy.  I know that he is healthy because all of our vital signs are perfect, he moves a lot, and I just got an ultra sound indicating our little one is in absolutely zero distress and seems to be perfectly happy in his current residence.   But, here's the deal: We have been planning to have this little dude in a birth center with a fully capable and wonderful midwife. Sans drugs. Sans hospital. Sans doctors and nurses.  While many awesome moms have their babies in hospitals with all of those things that is just not the desire of our heart.  If our little one just refuses to come I will have to go to the hospital to get induced.  While I have been waiting on our little guy to come out the enemy has totally used this to make me afraid and pissed that my plans will not work out.  

I have truly struggled to enjoy this time because of this fear.  I am truly not even that physically miserable even though they think I am growing a super big man child baby.  I am miserable because I have not let God's perfect love for me cast out all my fear. 

Chris, being the super awesome husband that he is, sat me down Monday night and was like you HAVE to surrender to Jesus.  You have to look at your worsts fears and say even if that happens God will be there for you.  Even if the worst happens the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords will be there for you. The truth is no matter what we are going to get a healthy baby.  That is what is important.  God knows the desires of my heart and He loves me.  The truth is that He is good enough to take care of me - no matter what.  The truth is that his plans and thoughts are so MUCH BETTER than mine.  The truth is that when it comes down to it I really do want His plan over mine.   

I am in a moment of desperately trying to surrender to what I know is true and good.  I have come so much farther than I was even a few days ago.  It is a weird thing to surrender to God completely and yet still contend for the highest good for my family.  I believe when you have passions and desires in your heart and you submit them to Jesus and they are still there that He gave them to you.  We desire to have this baby naturally in the birth center.  But, above our desire we trust Jesus. 

This is where faith comes in.  This is where no matter what I feel I just need to have faith and trust Jesus.  

So this is me 41.5 weeks pregnant struggling to surrender and stand in faith.   It is hard but when I am hard pressed I know that I believe.  

His ways are so much higher than my ways.  I know from my past with Jesus that He is GOOD!!!!!! 

Waiting on a Baby

Hi :)

I am writing again and it just happens to be in the same week.  It is getting wild up in here :)

I made a point on facebook earlier today and thought I would expound on the blog.  

My baby hill is due to come sometime in February.  He has some days left on his lease on my tummy space.  I am not really willing to shout out the due date because I do not want to be hounded in case he is late.  But, as every new mom or pregnant woman wishes - I just kind thought my little Hill bear might come early.    I naturally planned to be done with my to-do list by February 1st.  

What I totally neglected to consider was that when February 1st rolled around, and little man hill was still enjoying his time inside my tummy, that I would go absolutely stir crazy and would want to completely forgo being a productive member of society.   A restlessness has settled over our house hold as I have started to realize that I still must cook, clean, wear makeup, sleep, breath, do taxes, pay bills, and walk the dog.  

On top of this realization that I am not in control of my body or time or anything is the fact that my hormones are like raging wildebeest (those large hairy african animals things).

Let's do some math.

Wildebeest hormones + Restlessness + large pregnant woman + skewed expectations =  Mass pandemonium inside this here Hill House.

So - two days into this I have decided that I cannot live like this for the next while.  I cannot become an irrational moron.   I have decided that I am allowed to cry and then move on, thanks to some advice from my midwife.   In some way typing this out on the blog makes it more final.   So there hormones and skewed expectations I am moving on and refuse to be abused by you.

My Current Reality

I am sitting here 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant with a huge moving belly due to an active Hill child.  Giada the puppy is laying on the couch with her head rested on the top of my bump.  My active Hill Boy is currently kicking her in the jaw which apparently bothers her very little.  I have my laptop perched upon a huge pillow so that I can reach around by huge belly and puppy to type.

After going 9 months of forgoing my morning coffee for the benefit of my growing child the lure of being 2 weeks away from being allowed to pour myself a huge cup in the morning has caused me to start dreaming of going to Starbucks.   Last night I kept dreaming about trying to get to Starbucks to get coffee but I could never quite make it there.  Even I consider this to be a little weird :).  My staunch resolve to not have caffeine is has started to fade as the end of my abstinence is waning.

I will now merge my lack of coffee and seemingly lack of good quite times while pregnant - together.

Giving up my morning coffee totally rocked my morning routine of talking to Jesus before my day got started.   While this sounds superficial and it probably is, it happened.   You would think that making myself some decaf earl gray with a huge squeeze of lemon would have been able to bridge the gap of steaming hot liquid and spending time with Jesus in the early morn'.   Unfortunately it did not.   I totally blame my husband for this who spent a considerable amount of time and effort to get me to like his super bold Starbucks coffee by relating it to spending time with him and Jesus.  

Anyways,  on the deeper side of the issue is God has called me to write.  I hate admitting this on the blog as I have done several times, but it is actually more of an accountability attempt than really wanting all of you to know.   God has called me to write.  To use writing as a vessel to pour out what He pours into me.  I have finally accepted that writing can be in any form and for whatever purpose God has for it.  The only condition is that I must simply write and obey.  The spiritual battle, the hormones, the kidney stones, and the lack of coffee during my pregnancy has caused me to be stagnant with this whole writing thing.   If I were to be really honest I could just say my flesh prevailed and my spirit did not.   

Thankfully I have a God who knows me well and loves me well.   He desperately wants me to live out what He has called me to do and pursues me into it.   Since I have not been writing God has not been talking to me very much.  You might not think that sounds like "pursuing" but it is because God knows that when it comes down to it I really do desire him above everything else.   Even though I am in this spiritual drought, which is really of my own disobedient choosing, I really do desire to intimate and know Jesus more.   Jesus, who totally knows this, has been holding out on me because He longs for me to walk in obedience to what He has called me to to. He is using himself as a lure.  Which come to think of it - my husband does this too.  :)

As I am approaching child birth and the opportunity to meet this little one God has given me and Chris - I am DESPERATE for God to talk to me.   I am DESPERATE to walk in obedience in every single area of my life so that I can be close to Him.   After my coffee dreams of last night I woke up thinking I am just going to write words on the page just so I can talk to Jesus.  Like my resolve to not have caffeine has started to fade so has my resolve to give in to my lazy flesh and not write.  

So I am writing to you about not writing and trying to choose to write.  It is all very complicated and somewhat silly but it is what is going on.  That, and my baby is still kicking my puppy in the face.  Which makes me think about my puppy and baby meeting for the first time.  I hope Giada transitions well into being #2 instead of #1.

As I ramble on rather un-logically - I have to let you know that I the fact that I am about to have a baby and that our life will be changed forever has started to sink in.  I have also started to accept that I have give birth to this little one in order to meet him.  It is SO totally crazy and in order to not become totally crazy I have decided to just trust Jesus with it all because if I really think about it to long it scares me!!!!!


I will leave you with that thought :) hopefully I will talk to you soon!

Fight

In these last few weeks before I become a Mother and as one year had ended and another begun, I naturally have gotten a little reflective.  While it is the going trend come January 1st I feel that God really does love new beginnings - he did create them!  It seems that I am getting a new beginning with the start of 2012 and will soon enter into another with newness of Motherhood.

Motherhood - can you believe that I just typed that and that there is a baby kicking in my stomach? I almost cannot except for the jab in the side I just got from my son.

Let me tell start with this: 2011 was one heck of a year.  While Chris and I had some great times and God has blessed us with our growing son, it was also a really hard year with some trying circumstances.  I feel like it was a year of transition.  A year where vision was scarce and the day to day tried to cloud out the big picture God always has in front of us.   Yet, as James says trials build character so rejoice.  One thing I am very grateful for is that God had built us up previously so that we could continue to have joy even in the midst of our trials.  For that I am eternally grateful because there is just something super powerful about having JOY during the midst of a seemingly never-ending storm.  The power of joy comes from being rooted in the belief that God is always there for you even when you cannot feel Him or see Him.   It is the power of believing that God is GOOD while He is leading you through the darkness.   That is character I can appreciate.  My Mom always taught me that you can never depend on circumstances for joy, you can only depend on God to get your fill of contentment in life.   Circumstances always change but God never changes.

2011 had some pretty hard stuff - not the least of which was me passing three kidney stones and having one bad A kidney infection all while pregnant.   Which led to unexpected medical bills and several months of getting my energy back all while Chris had gotten promoted (which was awesome), but led to him working 70 + hours a week for several months before they hired him an assistant person from Jersey.  Once we got over that we had to replace our furnace in our house and the transmission in Chris's not very old and fairly nice pick up truck -- at the beginning of December right after we had just bought all of our Christmas presents.   Can you say AWESOME?  At first we felt very slapped in the face but only for a moment.  While our flesh was trying to freak out over our drained savings account we were overwhelmed with the amazing peace we had that God was our provider. I just want to stop right here and say the fact that God had provided us with the confidence and maturity in Him to take a rational side step from our emotions and allow Him to give us some of His perspective was MONEY.   As I look back on that moment I am so grateful for His goodness, mercy, and ability to give hope.   When the poop hits the fan those are the things that really count.  It feels good to say that we have experienced the poop hitting the fan and found God to not be wanting, but ready, willing, and able to be everything and do everything we need of Him.

 After we took an account of our life to make sure we were not out of balance or living in disobedience we realized that we were just having some trails and we just needed to REJOICE.  So we did and God provided for us through a Father's heart :) all in the same month.

I tell you this A) because it is good to be real and B) to say while all of that was hard and trying and not fun, my LEAST favorite part of 2011 was my heart  towards God and life.  It kind of just seemed like I was existing and not living with passion for God or for who he created me to be.   I think the best way to describe this would be to say that I lived out 2011, a lot of the time, just simply luke-warm.   Even just saying that makes me want to throw my computer across the room, but it is true.   I hate that I was that way.   After thinking about this for a while I believe that I lived in that luke-warm continuam because I have been afraid for live out what I feel God has called me to do - and that is to write.  At the root I was / am afraid to fail, so it is easier to just not try.

At some of my weakest moments of 2011- one of which was after my kidney infection - God has had one thing to say to me, to fight..  My body was weak from fighting, my soul was weak from fighting, and all the fight left in me was growing a baby.  I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes and existing.  God spoke to my heart and said fight.  I felt in that moment Him impress upon my heart to fight for my baby, for myself, and for my family. In the same moment He renewed my strength to fight.  It was a good swift kick in the butt.  I desperately needed it.

Several times throughout this last year God has brought me to Luke 18.  I am going to post it below.  If you are anything like me I usually hate reading large portions of scripture on people's blogs because I find it annoying.  How Christian of me :)  --- BUT don't skip over this, it is good.  Well all scripture is good - there are just times when God is speaking to you more out of a certain part it.

Luke 18

1  ALSO [Jesus] told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not to turn coward (faint, lose heart, and give up).2  He said, In a certain city there was a judge who neither reverenced and feared God nor respected or considered man.3  And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, Protect and defend and give me justice against my adversary.4  And for a time he would not; but later he said to himself, Though I have neither reverence or fear for God nor respect or consideration for man,5  Yet because this widow continues to bother me, I will defend and protect and avenge her, lest she give me intolerable annoyance and wear me out by her continual coming or at the last she come and rail on me or assault me or strangle me.6  Then the Lord said, Listen to what the unjust judge says!7  And will not [our just] God defend and protect and avenge His elect (His chosen ones), who cry to Him day and night? Will He defer them and delay help on their behalf?8  I tell you, He will defend and protect and avenge them speedily. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find [persistence in] faith on the earth?

God is still speaking to me out of this portion of Luke, but I find it to be totally exhilarating.  I do not have to give into my flesh and be afraid of failing at what God has called me to do.  I do not have to accept the onslaught of trials that have come upon my family.  I do not have to accept existing in life.  I do not have to accept the luke-warmness of my flesh.  I can cry out to God.  A God who is ready to avenge and protect me -- even if it is from myself.

In the moments when I do not even know how to pray I can cry out to God to put words in my mouth and a passion in my heart.   In moments when I am struggling to sit down to obey and live out what I feel He has called me to do I can cry out to Him and I know that He will answer me in some way.

There are some of you reading this who feel moved to pray for me -- I totally appreciate that --- bring it on!  There are some of you who need the reminder to have faith in God and that sometimes He is waiting for you to cry out to Him.   You need to fight and stop taking the punches.

On the blog front for 2012 I hope to do two things:  write about the day to day living and post 1000 pictures of my son, and write about God is speaking to me about.



love, a very loved daughter of the most High King.