My Current Reality

I am sitting here 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant with a huge moving belly due to an active Hill child.  Giada the puppy is laying on the couch with her head rested on the top of my bump.  My active Hill Boy is currently kicking her in the jaw which apparently bothers her very little.  I have my laptop perched upon a huge pillow so that I can reach around by huge belly and puppy to type.

After going 9 months of forgoing my morning coffee for the benefit of my growing child the lure of being 2 weeks away from being allowed to pour myself a huge cup in the morning has caused me to start dreaming of going to Starbucks.   Last night I kept dreaming about trying to get to Starbucks to get coffee but I could never quite make it there.  Even I consider this to be a little weird :).  My staunch resolve to not have caffeine is has started to fade as the end of my abstinence is waning.

I will now merge my lack of coffee and seemingly lack of good quite times while pregnant - together.

Giving up my morning coffee totally rocked my morning routine of talking to Jesus before my day got started.   While this sounds superficial and it probably is, it happened.   You would think that making myself some decaf earl gray with a huge squeeze of lemon would have been able to bridge the gap of steaming hot liquid and spending time with Jesus in the early morn'.   Unfortunately it did not.   I totally blame my husband for this who spent a considerable amount of time and effort to get me to like his super bold Starbucks coffee by relating it to spending time with him and Jesus.  

Anyways,  on the deeper side of the issue is God has called me to write.  I hate admitting this on the blog as I have done several times, but it is actually more of an accountability attempt than really wanting all of you to know.   God has called me to write.  To use writing as a vessel to pour out what He pours into me.  I have finally accepted that writing can be in any form and for whatever purpose God has for it.  The only condition is that I must simply write and obey.  The spiritual battle, the hormones, the kidney stones, and the lack of coffee during my pregnancy has caused me to be stagnant with this whole writing thing.   If I were to be really honest I could just say my flesh prevailed and my spirit did not.   

Thankfully I have a God who knows me well and loves me well.   He desperately wants me to live out what He has called me to do and pursues me into it.   Since I have not been writing God has not been talking to me very much.  You might not think that sounds like "pursuing" but it is because God knows that when it comes down to it I really do desire him above everything else.   Even though I am in this spiritual drought, which is really of my own disobedient choosing, I really do desire to intimate and know Jesus more.   Jesus, who totally knows this, has been holding out on me because He longs for me to walk in obedience to what He has called me to to. He is using himself as a lure.  Which come to think of it - my husband does this too.  :)

As I am approaching child birth and the opportunity to meet this little one God has given me and Chris - I am DESPERATE for God to talk to me.   I am DESPERATE to walk in obedience in every single area of my life so that I can be close to Him.   After my coffee dreams of last night I woke up thinking I am just going to write words on the page just so I can talk to Jesus.  Like my resolve to not have caffeine has started to fade so has my resolve to give in to my lazy flesh and not write.  

So I am writing to you about not writing and trying to choose to write.  It is all very complicated and somewhat silly but it is what is going on.  That, and my baby is still kicking my puppy in the face.  Which makes me think about my puppy and baby meeting for the first time.  I hope Giada transitions well into being #2 instead of #1.

As I ramble on rather un-logically - I have to let you know that I the fact that I am about to have a baby and that our life will be changed forever has started to sink in.  I have also started to accept that I have give birth to this little one in order to meet him.  It is SO totally crazy and in order to not become totally crazy I have decided to just trust Jesus with it all because if I really think about it to long it scares me!!!!!


I will leave you with that thought :) hopefully I will talk to you soon!

Fight

In these last few weeks before I become a Mother and as one year had ended and another begun, I naturally have gotten a little reflective.  While it is the going trend come January 1st I feel that God really does love new beginnings - he did create them!  It seems that I am getting a new beginning with the start of 2012 and will soon enter into another with newness of Motherhood.

Motherhood - can you believe that I just typed that and that there is a baby kicking in my stomach? I almost cannot except for the jab in the side I just got from my son.

Let me tell start with this: 2011 was one heck of a year.  While Chris and I had some great times and God has blessed us with our growing son, it was also a really hard year with some trying circumstances.  I feel like it was a year of transition.  A year where vision was scarce and the day to day tried to cloud out the big picture God always has in front of us.   Yet, as James says trials build character so rejoice.  One thing I am very grateful for is that God had built us up previously so that we could continue to have joy even in the midst of our trials.  For that I am eternally grateful because there is just something super powerful about having JOY during the midst of a seemingly never-ending storm.  The power of joy comes from being rooted in the belief that God is always there for you even when you cannot feel Him or see Him.   It is the power of believing that God is GOOD while He is leading you through the darkness.   That is character I can appreciate.  My Mom always taught me that you can never depend on circumstances for joy, you can only depend on God to get your fill of contentment in life.   Circumstances always change but God never changes.

2011 had some pretty hard stuff - not the least of which was me passing three kidney stones and having one bad A kidney infection all while pregnant.   Which led to unexpected medical bills and several months of getting my energy back all while Chris had gotten promoted (which was awesome), but led to him working 70 + hours a week for several months before they hired him an assistant person from Jersey.  Once we got over that we had to replace our furnace in our house and the transmission in Chris's not very old and fairly nice pick up truck -- at the beginning of December right after we had just bought all of our Christmas presents.   Can you say AWESOME?  At first we felt very slapped in the face but only for a moment.  While our flesh was trying to freak out over our drained savings account we were overwhelmed with the amazing peace we had that God was our provider. I just want to stop right here and say the fact that God had provided us with the confidence and maturity in Him to take a rational side step from our emotions and allow Him to give us some of His perspective was MONEY.   As I look back on that moment I am so grateful for His goodness, mercy, and ability to give hope.   When the poop hits the fan those are the things that really count.  It feels good to say that we have experienced the poop hitting the fan and found God to not be wanting, but ready, willing, and able to be everything and do everything we need of Him.

 After we took an account of our life to make sure we were not out of balance or living in disobedience we realized that we were just having some trails and we just needed to REJOICE.  So we did and God provided for us through a Father's heart :) all in the same month.

I tell you this A) because it is good to be real and B) to say while all of that was hard and trying and not fun, my LEAST favorite part of 2011 was my heart  towards God and life.  It kind of just seemed like I was existing and not living with passion for God or for who he created me to be.   I think the best way to describe this would be to say that I lived out 2011, a lot of the time, just simply luke-warm.   Even just saying that makes me want to throw my computer across the room, but it is true.   I hate that I was that way.   After thinking about this for a while I believe that I lived in that luke-warm continuam because I have been afraid for live out what I feel God has called me to do - and that is to write.  At the root I was / am afraid to fail, so it is easier to just not try.

At some of my weakest moments of 2011- one of which was after my kidney infection - God has had one thing to say to me, to fight..  My body was weak from fighting, my soul was weak from fighting, and all the fight left in me was growing a baby.  I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes and existing.  God spoke to my heart and said fight.  I felt in that moment Him impress upon my heart to fight for my baby, for myself, and for my family. In the same moment He renewed my strength to fight.  It was a good swift kick in the butt.  I desperately needed it.

Several times throughout this last year God has brought me to Luke 18.  I am going to post it below.  If you are anything like me I usually hate reading large portions of scripture on people's blogs because I find it annoying.  How Christian of me :)  --- BUT don't skip over this, it is good.  Well all scripture is good - there are just times when God is speaking to you more out of a certain part it.

Luke 18

1  ALSO [Jesus] told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not to turn coward (faint, lose heart, and give up).2  He said, In a certain city there was a judge who neither reverenced and feared God nor respected or considered man.3  And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, Protect and defend and give me justice against my adversary.4  And for a time he would not; but later he said to himself, Though I have neither reverence or fear for God nor respect or consideration for man,5  Yet because this widow continues to bother me, I will defend and protect and avenge her, lest she give me intolerable annoyance and wear me out by her continual coming or at the last she come and rail on me or assault me or strangle me.6  Then the Lord said, Listen to what the unjust judge says!7  And will not [our just] God defend and protect and avenge His elect (His chosen ones), who cry to Him day and night? Will He defer them and delay help on their behalf?8  I tell you, He will defend and protect and avenge them speedily. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find [persistence in] faith on the earth?

God is still speaking to me out of this portion of Luke, but I find it to be totally exhilarating.  I do not have to give into my flesh and be afraid of failing at what God has called me to do.  I do not have to accept the onslaught of trials that have come upon my family.  I do not have to accept existing in life.  I do not have to accept the luke-warmness of my flesh.  I can cry out to God.  A God who is ready to avenge and protect me -- even if it is from myself.

In the moments when I do not even know how to pray I can cry out to God to put words in my mouth and a passion in my heart.   In moments when I am struggling to sit down to obey and live out what I feel He has called me to do I can cry out to Him and I know that He will answer me in some way.

There are some of you reading this who feel moved to pray for me -- I totally appreciate that --- bring it on!  There are some of you who need the reminder to have faith in God and that sometimes He is waiting for you to cry out to Him.   You need to fight and stop taking the punches.

On the blog front for 2012 I hope to do two things:  write about the day to day living and post 1000 pictures of my son, and write about God is speaking to me about.



love, a very loved daughter of the most High King.