Where I am

God is prompting me to write a post when I am super vulnerable and nothing is wrapped up in a pretty bow.  I have decided that I am ok with this because I trust him and my circumstances have me on my knees face down before Jesus.

I am 10 days past the proposed due date for our son who currently resides in my tummy.

Let me just tell you the last 10 days have been HARD!!! 

Two days before my due date Chris came down with a nasty virus that turned sinus infection and lasted a good solid 7-8 days.   He missed three days of work and was flat on his back sick.  Which, truthfully, he does about once a year.  He just gets is all out.  According to our nutritionist is actually a pretty healthy thing to do because it resets your system and helps protect against disease.   

Normally this would not be an issue.  But, Chris got sick when our baby was due to make his appearance in the world.  Chris and our little / big man child already have this connection -- even in the womb.  So, Mr. baby H decided to hold out until his Daddy got better.  In reality this was probably a wonderful blessing because Chris was so sick and a) I did not want / do not want to go through labor with a sick husband, b) we want to bring home Mr. Baby H to a healthy house.   

Let's just say that between my due date passing and then getting further and further behind me WHILE I was caring for my wonderful husband totally and completely SUCKED.   All the sudden my plans were not working out and my usually wonderfully supportive husband was just out of commission.  It was like everything that I usually depended had been stripped of me and I was left with a selfish, disappointed, and wildly pregnant heart.   I was SO mad that Chris was sick.  I knew he could not help it and it was not his fault.  But I could not help just being upset and angry. 

Chris and I had to work this out.  I had to talk it through with him and surrender my emotions daily concerning the whole thing.  Chris started to get better but my days have just continued to get harder.  The enemy is totally taking advantage of how emotionally vulnerable I am right now and every day I must resist him.  Everyday I am faced with going into depression.  It takes me about an hour and half but thankfully God and Chris help me pull through back into joy, trust, and peace.  

Fear tries to over take me over the fact that our little one is still in my tummy.  I know that he is healthy because all of our vital signs are perfect, he moves a lot, and I just got an ultra sound indicating our little one is in absolutely zero distress and seems to be perfectly happy in his current residence.   But, here's the deal: We have been planning to have this little dude in a birth center with a fully capable and wonderful midwife. Sans drugs. Sans hospital. Sans doctors and nurses.  While many awesome moms have their babies in hospitals with all of those things that is just not the desire of our heart.  If our little one just refuses to come I will have to go to the hospital to get induced.  While I have been waiting on our little guy to come out the enemy has totally used this to make me afraid and pissed that my plans will not work out.  

I have truly struggled to enjoy this time because of this fear.  I am truly not even that physically miserable even though they think I am growing a super big man child baby.  I am miserable because I have not let God's perfect love for me cast out all my fear. 

Chris, being the super awesome husband that he is, sat me down Monday night and was like you HAVE to surrender to Jesus.  You have to look at your worsts fears and say even if that happens God will be there for you.  Even if the worst happens the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords will be there for you. The truth is no matter what we are going to get a healthy baby.  That is what is important.  God knows the desires of my heart and He loves me.  The truth is that He is good enough to take care of me - no matter what.  The truth is that his plans and thoughts are so MUCH BETTER than mine.  The truth is that when it comes down to it I really do want His plan over mine.   

I am in a moment of desperately trying to surrender to what I know is true and good.  I have come so much farther than I was even a few days ago.  It is a weird thing to surrender to God completely and yet still contend for the highest good for my family.  I believe when you have passions and desires in your heart and you submit them to Jesus and they are still there that He gave them to you.  We desire to have this baby naturally in the birth center.  But, above our desire we trust Jesus. 

This is where faith comes in.  This is where no matter what I feel I just need to have faith and trust Jesus.  

So this is me 41.5 weeks pregnant struggling to surrender and stand in faith.   It is hard but when I am hard pressed I know that I believe.  

His ways are so much higher than my ways.  I know from my past with Jesus that He is GOOD!!!!!! 

Waiting on a Baby

Hi :)

I am writing again and it just happens to be in the same week.  It is getting wild up in here :)

I made a point on facebook earlier today and thought I would expound on the blog.  

My baby hill is due to come sometime in February.  He has some days left on his lease on my tummy space.  I am not really willing to shout out the due date because I do not want to be hounded in case he is late.  But, as every new mom or pregnant woman wishes - I just kind thought my little Hill bear might come early.    I naturally planned to be done with my to-do list by February 1st.  

What I totally neglected to consider was that when February 1st rolled around, and little man hill was still enjoying his time inside my tummy, that I would go absolutely stir crazy and would want to completely forgo being a productive member of society.   A restlessness has settled over our house hold as I have started to realize that I still must cook, clean, wear makeup, sleep, breath, do taxes, pay bills, and walk the dog.  

On top of this realization that I am not in control of my body or time or anything is the fact that my hormones are like raging wildebeest (those large hairy african animals things).

Let's do some math.

Wildebeest hormones + Restlessness + large pregnant woman + skewed expectations =  Mass pandemonium inside this here Hill House.

So - two days into this I have decided that I cannot live like this for the next while.  I cannot become an irrational moron.   I have decided that I am allowed to cry and then move on, thanks to some advice from my midwife.   In some way typing this out on the blog makes it more final.   So there hormones and skewed expectations I am moving on and refuse to be abused by you.