Being Vulnerably Dependent All the Time

Good morning to you all!

I must confess that I am not nice all the time. I realize this is so very surprising (not). But, as I have struggled in certain areas of my life (i.e. being nice to my dad's employees), I have started to pay closer attention as to why I struggle to consistently be myself at work and around these people. I must defend these wonderful people, because it is most certainly not their fault! They are all incredibly awesome, God fearing, respectable people who are all very nice to ME and deserve to be treated as such. I have been mostly mean in my heart and not necessarily in the everyday interactions with them, although there have definitely been some instances that I should have handled WAY differently.

God ,over the past two weeks or so, has been building this revelation in me which did not culminate until last night. It began with the struggle. The struggle that I am sure many of you know that consists of thoughts like this: "What is my purpose here?", "Am I useful?", "I do not want to stay in this position long, I want more responsibility", "What about my future?", and so on. I have been listening to Beth Moore's new bible study Ester on the way to work every morning, and one morning she was talking about mean people! She said something very revelatory, she said "people are mean because they feel threatened by something or someone". So, this got me to thinking about life, of course I was not doing to much introspective thinking about myself because I was not ready to admit that I was being mean.

So, over the weekend I was praying about work. I had finally admitted that I needed to change. Then WABAM (I stand behind this word as being a real word) God handed me one. Have you every had this happen to you, when you admit you are wrong to God and He does one of those awesome black lady moves in your face and is like "Oh no you didn't girl, oh no you didn't"?. Then gives you scripture to further support that you are in fact WRONG. So -

Galation 5:
22But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,

23Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [^[f]that can bring a charge].

24And those who belong to Christ Jesus (the Messiah) have crucified the flesh (the godless human nature) with its passions and appetites and desires.

25If we live by the [Holy] Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. [If by the Holy Spirit ^[g]we have our life in God, let us go forward ^[h]walking in line, our conduct controlled by the Spirit.]

26Let us not become vainglorious and self-conceited, competitive and challenging and provoking and irritating to one another, envying and being jealous of one another.

It was verse 26 that God really got me with, because I was being competitive. Now, of course it is great to be competitive in lots of areas of life, but I was being competitive because I was taking control of my work situation. I did not want to let God take control because I was acting out of fear. But, in taking control I was driving myself and I am sure everyone around me totally crazy! As I laid in bed while God was so graciously showing me that I did not need to be in control, I realized how much more sense it makes to give it all to Him. He is the author and creator of all humanity, and His imagination is so much better than mine. So, if I were to control my life and do what I think is best for me then I am settling for a much lesser life than what God really has for me. As I sit here I have some inkling of what God has for me it is just a little tiny spec of an idea, and I do not really know how He will get me there or what the next step is but I am going to trust Him with all of that. I know He knows SO much better than ME!

I think the enemy has something that He tells all of us to keep us bogged down so we do not accomplish what God has for us, or walk in the greatest freedom and intimacy that God has for us. For me that consisted of constantly struggling with feeling like I was stupid. This was something that I absolutely did not struggle with until high school, but it was something the enemy laid a trap for my entire life. I am mature enough to know that I am not stupid, but nevertheless that lie consistently and quietly can sneak up on me. Because of that lie it is sometimes hard for me to believe that God has called me to do awesome things and can make it hard for me to trust God! But, it is in times like this when I expose the enemy for what he is, a liar, I see how STUPID he is. I realize that because I am imperfect God will get more glory if I do what He has called me to do, and I realize that I am His most treasured daughter whom He loves and has set apart. Just like you are His most treasured and set apart. He has set you where you are for a reason, and I know that if we all let God take control our lives will start to look a lot different and a lot better!

Much love

(this post was supposed to go out last Monday)

Blogging at Work

Dear friends, it has been so long since I have written anything that I am most assuredly sure that I have forgotten all manner of grammar and punctuation, and I am even more sure that I will use words that I think mean one thing even when they mean something entirely different. But, the holiday chaos has died down and Chris and I are back into somewhat of a more scheduled, normal, and yet chaotic routine. I must warn all of you that I have about two months or more of pent up thoughts, emotions, ideas, and at least eight world changing strategies that I am just dying to share with you. Needless to say I am dying to let out all of my thoughts rather they be significant or not or in any type of logical order.

The last two months have been CRAZY! The reasons are endless but most of them were very fun and family filled! Chris and I spent most of our weekends in Magnolia, Dallas, or up at Childress at the Ranch. During that time I started a new job, my birthday happened, Christmas happened, New Years happened, and a lot of Jess heart change happened. Ya know when life starts going at 150 miles per hours and your heart and brain just can't keep up and your body turns auto pilot on and suddenly time is flying by and you have no control over it? Well, that is exactly how I feel about the last couple of months....................

So during November, which was the start of all the craziness, God was working something out in me. He seemed so far from me yet at the same time He wouldn't let me get by with anything. By working out something in me I mean He was making me think about, give, and deal with all sorts of things that I did not particularly want to. He was totally and completely breaking me. I was working at Anthropologie and I got a promotion during this time. Which was wonderful and it was what I wanted but then I started to not have any peace about working there anymore AT ALL. BUT, God would not let me quit. I had to surrender to Him every day and depend on Him in order to stay together and be somewhat normal. The feeling that I needed to leave Anthropologie was SOOO strong, yet God was not letting me move. I learning to hear Him and obey Him all the the while learning to trust and hear and obey my husband. Man was it hard!!!! But it was good, because God is always good! So, at the end of a very long and tiring month that consisted of me being on my face before Jesus as much a possible, I got up one morning to have my quiet time and God told me that I was going to start working for my parents. I was completely and totally excited, but there was one problem. Since I was TEN years old my parents have owned their own business and I have always been the "Boss's daughter". As many of you know it is hard to work with your parents, especially after you have planned with your Mama, and it is especially hard when you are your Daddy's "baby girl" who wants to be taken seriously. SO, I have always said that if I were to work for my parents they were going to have to call me and offer me a job, and a salary, and WANT me to work for them. Not just oh hey you just graduated and got married so work for us because you are our kid type of thing. So, I gave my heart to the Lord and said it is totally up to you; all I want to do is your will. I wanted to call my Mom right then and there because I was excited, but I felt strongly that I was not supposed to. But, that afternoon my Mom called to say that she felt like it was time for me to come work at Rig Boss and offered me a job! That very same day that God told me change was was going to happen He provided an awesome opportunity for me. I have had so much peace working at Rig Boss for my parents. This is not to say times are always easy I definitely have my days, and problems occur and people are not fun to deal with but I have PEACE about where I am because I waited upon the Lord.

December 1st started with my first day of work at Rig Boss. I adjusted to working five days a week nine hours a day. Working all day and then coming home and needing and wanting to be a good wife was and it definitely hard. All the things I got done around the house, all the special things I did for Chris, all the errands I ran, all the planning and cooking I did before I started working I did before Chris got home. So, he would come into a perfectly (somewhat perfectly) clean house with a meal on the table and a checked off to do list and a content wife. As many of you know, it is just plain hard to work all day and get all that other stuff done. Not to mention continuing to be a good friend and daughter and sister and all that!

The last month and half I have been adjusting to my new schedule and new way of life. Even though life has been flying at speeds at over 150 miles per hour, Jesus has still managed to do a little work on my heart, and I am excited to share all the trials and lessons with you in the days to come.

I am thankful that on really, really, really slow days at work I am able to blog - even though it may not make tons of sense or be punctuated correctly!

"He is your constant source of stability; He abundantly provides safety and great wisdom; He gives all to those who fear Him." Isaiah 33:6 NET

Yummy recipes to follow!