Doing everything that I am supposed to...

Having a baby is life changing.  In the best and hardest of ways.  Once you get over the whole labor and birth situation you have a sweet little one that you have to get to know.  It is a strange thing getting to know a little one that is part of you.  A little one that grew inside of you and you worked so hard to keep him there and then doubly hard to get him out.

It is true.  My little one came out and I did instantly love him but once I got to the room with all the family surrounding me I thought, " I have to get to know this little guy." This whole I am instantly in love and tears and all that did not come to me.   It was more of like an introduction to someone that you just know that you will love but you have to get to know.

Everyday I get to know out little guy more and I absolutely LOVE it.  He has such an amazing personality.  The crazy part is that he is gets to know me more too.  He learns so fast.  It is fascinating how you learn to non-verbally and verbally communicate with your child.  It is also not quite as fascinating as he learns how to VERBALLY communicate with you.  And I am married to Chris Hill, who could have preached the beatitudes and not have needed a microphone, and Barrett is definitely his son.

I am staying home with Barrett and have chosen not to go back to work.  It is a decision that Chris and I prayed about and feel confident in, and a decision that we have to sacrifice for.

When Barrett was six weeks old I had a complete identity crisis over a career, and working, and staying at home.  I went to Jesus one night while laying in bed while Chris was on a work call.  Desperately tired having only slept 2-3 hours stretches for six weeks, I took all my insecurities about working to Jesus.  Almost without missing a beat Jesus spoke quietly to my heart, "You are doing everything you are supposed to be doing."   With a Jesus only type of revelation I realized that He has given me the grace for this period of my life raising our children.  But, staying at home does not define me, Jesus does.  Jesus has seasons of life planned for us.  Seasons that will be different from the one we are in now... meaning I will not be defined by staying at home and raising kids forever.

Ya know what?  That gave me magnificent FREEDOM to absolutely LOVE staying at home and enjoy every cute and every ridiculous hard minute of raising our son.  It took the pressure off to perform in ways that are not appropriate for this season.  That freedom from expectation allowed me to be present with our son, and for that I am so glad.

I will be honest...I had to remind myself of what Jesus told me about this season of life this week.  I let myself compare myself to others.  But I am not others.  I am a daughter of the most High King and it is He who defines me.

So, yes I absolutely LOVE what I do.  I love raising our son.  I love taking moments that could be spent finishing the laundry to play with him, or teach him boundaries, or sing a special song to him to the tune of Justin Bieber boyfreind.  It feels dang good to say that I LOVE being a Mom.  In fact, if I were to get really down and dirty, I would tell you that it is something that I have wanted to be for a very very long time.

Now go with me here. 

To the tune of boyfriend by Justin Bieber:

If I was your biscuit you'd never let me go

Keep me on your arm Mom
You'll never be alone

Biscuit, biscuit I could be your biscuit

I'm so white and flaky you ne'er let me go

Another: To the tune of an imaginary rap song

I'm a biscuit. I ain't no triscuit. 

I'm white and flaky, maybe even a little cakey

So what's it to ya 

Anoter: To the tune of an imaginary rap song

I'm awesome. I'm awesome

Er'body loves me